I am feeling very positive today. I don’t know if it’s because I’m running on fumes due to Penelope suffering from major congestion and restlessness at night or if I’m just turning over a new leaf.

On my drive into work today, I was listening to a podcast and suddenly, I felt completely inspired. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the podcast or if whenever I listen to podcasts that I tend to feel at ease and contemplative, this just hit me like a semi. I need to make some changes. I’m going to make some changes and there is no excuses to stop me.

Lately, I’ve been on edge and just lost in my own world. No matter what I did, nothing brought joy or motivation. I just survived and went about my life, going through the motions like a robot. The tasks of motherhood were weighing me down rather than lifting me or bringing me any sense of happiness. I’d have flickers of joy but they would be quickly overshadowed by feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or just frustration. All negative feelings to have for something I’ve wanted to experience for a long time.

This was just one area where I saw a major decline and I hated it. I didn’t know how to get out of the hole that somehow consumed me. I know motherhood isn’t easy or rainbows every day but the amount of negativity I was experiencing far outweighed the joys. This wasn’t normal or how it should be.

I would just use excuses like I’m just tired from not getting enough rest the night before. Or it’s from the pregnancy hormones I’m having that is making this harder. Or it’s from the outside obligations that are weighing on me. I’d come up with any kind of excuse instead of just facing the reality of it all. It was me.

Entering my 10 week mark in this pregnancy and it finally sinking in that I will be a mother of two soon I am needing some changes to cope with all the big changes ahead of me. I don’t want to be an unhappy mom. I don’t want to be an unhappy wife or employee or person in general. I need to find ways to find my happiness and push out the negativity.

I am blessed beyond words. I have been blessed with not just one successful IVF baby, but two. I have a family who love me despite not seeing them regularly or speaking daily. I have a few real friends who I don’t talk to every day or see but they do care about me and we can pick up where we left off.

The changes I need to do are for me. I need to take care of myself and find the joy in the small things rather than constantly comparing and measuring it with materialistic or superficial things. I need to strive to make healthy choices for this baby so I can have the best outcome when it’s time to deliver and nurture him or her. I need to find new ways to cope with stress of negative feelings. Maybe start talking to a therapist. Maybe doing some prenatal yoga or breathing exercises.

This isn’t just a list to check things off of, this is a lifestyle change. I don’t want to just write them down and forget about them later today. I am going to implement them now and hopefully keep up with them for life.

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New Month!

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since my last entry. So much has happened in that time, such as I’m pregnant with baby #2! Our second FET worked and here I am, about 9 weeks along and excited/anxious for baby #2 to arrive in September.

Another big announcement is Penelope celebrated her first birthday last week! It was a small party of just my family but it was a good little celebration for her. She got a cupcake to smash which she did and got a few cute things from family. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since she arrived into this world. A whole year of learning, teaching, loving and crying. She has truly changed my life and myself in so many wondrous ways.

I’m excited to see how she reacts to having a baby sibling. They will be around a year and a half apart in age so it’ll be a good difference and hopefully they will be close to each other. I hope Penelope isn’t going to be defiant with a new baby and having to share her parents attention. I know there will be an adjustment period for all of us in the beginning but I don’t want her to feel like she is now second.

Aside from posting on here, which doesn’t get many people who know me in real life, we are keeping baby #2 off social media. There will be no bump pictures, no pregnancy related status posts on Facebook, nada. It has been challenging at times not to somehow link my crazy mood swings and emotional outbursts to this pregnancy but I’ve kept it to myself. We are also not finding out the gender until he or she arrives. I think Robert just wants to enjoy the possibility of it being a boy for as long as possible.

The last week has been rough for all of us with Penelope getting the flu, I got some kind of cold and now Robert is recovering from a cold too. We are all sniffling, coughing, congested family! The crazy weather flux hasn’t helped either.

And finally to add the icing to the cake, I am without my car indefinitely until possibly Friday. First it was the brakes needing replaced to now my entire car is just going to be traded in for a new car. I feel a little happy that I get a brand new car but I also feel sort of sad because I’ve only had that car for 6 years. Granted, it has over 100,000 miles on it. Plus, we are looking to buy a small SUV rather than the hatchback which will be good for two kids and traveling we may do in the coming years.

Everything happens for a reason. I just gotta keep believing it’s all going to work out.

Hello 2019!

A new year has started and I can’t help but feel very calm and collected on what this year will bring.

Our last FET failed which was a complete bummer but we’re in the two week wait for our second FET, just transferred on the 28th so we’re set for our first beta on the 11th. I’m not getting my hopes up but will be okay regardless of the outcome.

Classes start up on the 7th which will be a good distraction, too. I ordered my book today and should have it by the end of the week.

I’m in the process of planning Robert’s 30th birthday surprise and Penelope’s 1st birthday. Etsy is my friend. I hope they both have great birthdays this year.

I didn’t set any resolutions this year and just figured I’d take every day as it comes. I’m trying to not look too far ahead and live more in the moment. I hope to continue to cherish my days with Penelope and marvel at her growth and brilliance.

 

FET #1

Well, here we are, 6 days past transfer and I decided to test. It was negative. I can’t say I was uber surprised but at the same time, it really made me realize how much I wanted this to work.

Maybe it comes as a good thing. Robert and I are on rocky ground with being parents and married right now. Adding a second baby would probably be the breaking point for us as a married couple. Penelope is also very needy and clingy which would be awful to try and balance the two because I’m outnumbered.

I’m a little down today with the news. What’s worse is I still have 8 more days till the blood test and 8 more days of taking the hormones to support a pregnancy that’s not even there. It’s gonna be brutal. I think the worst part is, having to go into the office the day of the beta and act like I’m excited to find out the results which will be another dagger to the heart when they say, “it’s negative.”

I’m gonna just suck it up and know this is all for the better. We are gonna wait a little bit longer before trying again. Now I can focus on school, work and Penelope with no extra hormones, tiredness or doctor visits.

It’s all happening so fast!

Well today was my blood work and ultrasound with my IVF clinic. My lining looks great so says my RE so we are moving forward with black Friday transfer of one of the embryos. Two weeks after that is the pregnancy blood test. We are about halfway done with this process and my nerves are getting the best of me.

Wednesday was also Penelope’s 9 month well check which went well. She is growing on target and her pediatrician is pleased with her advancements. The only thing is the sleeping. This brings up the whole crying it out method which I’m completely against but Robert is insisting next weekend he’s doing it with her. I really think if we can just slowly transition her from some of the “bad” habits she’s learned we could side swipe the whole crying it out depending on how these small changes could result. I just really don’t want added anxiety and stress to my life.

Monday I start my online class which I’m excited about but also super nervous about. I’m so preoccupied that I haven’t even opened my book yet. But I’m hoping this all will be worth it and I will have something to show when it’s all done and I’m able to move up in my professional life. I want to give my family the best and unfortunately in this world money is what is able to give them the best education, best home and best worldly experiences such as traveling can give.

I’m also feeling very emotional which is difficult to handle some days but I need to concentrate on the big picture and not get so wrapped up in the small stuff. We all have bad days but it’s what we do during those tough times that matters. So I’m trying to defuse the stress and anxiety by writing and staying on task. By just focusing on the now rather than what is in the unknown future.

I’m hopeful for less of a meltdown in the days to come!

So the journey continues…

Well, we are officially starting our second round of IVF. This time it’s far less invasive and tedious but still very nerve wracking.

We have four embryos left so we have four chances to get pregnant via IVF/frozen embryo transfer or as they call it, FET.

This seems like a likely outcome due to our first try success with Penelope but now I’m even more nervous for the success to happen.

First off, financially. Yes, this way is less expensive than the whole first round because they don’t have to grow my eggs and fertilize them with my husband’s sperm. But it’s still not cheap. Not to mention the costs of doctor visits, nursery prep, more diapers/wipes we’ll need to stock up on.

Secondly, scheduling and life responsibilities. I’m about to start taking classes online to finish my on going degree for Medical Assisting in hopes to find a better paying job to support our growing family. PLUS, still working my hours at my current job as well as being a mom/wife at home. It’s never ending and the work never ends at both ends. I’m trying to find a balance now but maybe with my classes starting it’ll fall into place more.

Thirdly, stress. I am juggling a lot right now and just being a mom and part time worker can take its toll on me. I know they say, ask for help, don’t try and do this on your own. I totally get it but Penelope does not do well with anyone taking care of her besides Robert and I. It’s such a double ended sword because we love to take care of her but we also would like to break away from her besides on naps. This in turn makes it difficult for me to recharge without some amount of guilt.

Fourthly, my marriage. Like I stated above, this whole new role as mommy has taken me and is still a working progress. I get overwhelmed and flustered when I feel the burden of the household fall on me. I’m trying to get scrape by it feels and some days I wonder if I’m tinkering on ppd (postpartum depression). I’m very up and down depending on my amount of sleep I get the night before. I often wonder if I’m just in denial?

I would like to think I’ll figure it all out and this will be a breeze like last time. I’ll just focus on taking care of myself and try not to stress over the small things such as cleaning the dishes, vaccuming every day, doing the laundry and so on. I need to prioritize better in terms of what is absolutely necessary verses what can wait.

So I guess we will see how this goes.

So many thoughts

So yesterday, Robert and I went for our IVF clinic and discussed the next steps for us to try for baby #2. We’ve been going back and forth on when to try again via IVF because I haven’t gotten pregnant naturally since Penelope’s been born. The doctor told us pretty much whenever wanted to start we could pending on my periods.

Well, lucky us, my period is a few days away and we got the green light to go ahead and start the process to transfer one of our embryos in the next month if all goes well. This is super exciting and so crazy to think about. We’re not getting our hopes up that this first try will work out how last time did but we’re also so excited to have a second baby.

Ontop of that, I’m finishing up paperwork to start taking classes online in a few weeks to finally get my second degree completed. This is all so many big obligations and I’m wondering if this somehow will hinder the success of the possible pregnancy if I’m stressed with finding time to study and dealing with Penelope and work.

There is a lot at play right now and I’m trying to figure out if I just bit off too much to chew again. I want to get pregnant asap but I also want to finally finish this degree so I can hopefully get a higher paying job in the field of work I want a career in. This will help us financially to get the house and be able to give our family a good life. I can’t be an assistant forever if I want us to live comfortably.

All these balls in the air is making me anxious and a little uneasy but I’m determined to get it all done, even juggle it all at once if it means a better life. The next few months should be interesting to say the least!