I am feeling very positive today. I don’t know if it’s because I’m running on fumes due to Penelope suffering from major congestion and restlessness at night or if I’m just turning over a new leaf.
On my drive into work today, I was listening to a podcast and suddenly, I felt completely inspired. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the podcast or if whenever I listen to podcasts that I tend to feel at ease and contemplative, this just hit me like a semi. I need to make some changes. I’m going to make some changes and there is no excuses to stop me.
Lately, I’ve been on edge and just lost in my own world. No matter what I did, nothing brought joy or motivation. I just survived and went about my life, going through the motions like a robot. The tasks of motherhood were weighing me down rather than lifting me or bringing me any sense of happiness. I’d have flickers of joy but they would be quickly overshadowed by feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or just frustration. All negative feelings to have for something I’ve wanted to experience for a long time.
This was just one area where I saw a major decline and I hated it. I didn’t know how to get out of the hole that somehow consumed me. I know motherhood isn’t easy or rainbows every day but the amount of negativity I was experiencing far outweighed the joys. This wasn’t normal or how it should be.
I would just use excuses like I’m just tired from not getting enough rest the night before. Or it’s from the pregnancy hormones I’m having that is making this harder. Or it’s from the outside obligations that are weighing on me. I’d come up with any kind of excuse instead of just facing the reality of it all. It was me.
Entering my 10 week mark in this pregnancy and it finally sinking in that I will be a mother of two soon I am needing some changes to cope with all the big changes ahead of me. I don’t want to be an unhappy mom. I don’t want to be an unhappy wife or employee or person in general. I need to find ways to find my happiness and push out the negativity.
I am blessed beyond words. I have been blessed with not just one successful IVF baby, but two. I have a family who love me despite not seeing them regularly or speaking daily. I have a few real friends who I don’t talk to every day or see but they do care about me and we can pick up where we left off.
The changes I need to do are for me. I need to take care of myself and find the joy in the small things rather than constantly comparing and measuring it with materialistic or superficial things. I need to strive to make healthy choices for this baby so I can have the best outcome when it’s time to deliver and nurture him or her. I need to find new ways to cope with stress of negative feelings. Maybe start talking to a therapist. Maybe doing some prenatal yoga or breathing exercises.
This isn’t just a list to check things off of, this is a lifestyle change. I don’t want to just write them down and forget about them later today. I am going to implement them now and hopefully keep up with them for life.