Any day now…..

Oy, where do I begin? It has been a whirlwind couple of days.

So I am now just a ticking time bomb as to when I will go into labor. I’m 3cm dilated and 80% thinned. I was hoping he would come over the weekend but he didn’t. My OB said I could be induced on Monday the 9th at the earliest. He would also be the doctor on call that day to deliver which would be great because he also delivered Penelope.

That’s another 5 days away and I’m just hoping and praying little man comes like now. I’m tired of people at work saying, “You still haven’t had the baby yet?” or “I didn’t think I’d see you here.” It’s so annoying and quite frankly I am the one whose more frustrated that I’m still coming into work with no baby.

I am miserable and beyond impatient for this part of the journey to be over. I want to be back home with him and tackle the hard stuff of breastfeeding, no sleep and juggling a toddler. I don’t want to be still waddling around, feeling contractions that never progress, a water still intact, testing my sugars after every meal, monitoring myself anymore.

Plus, Robert refuses to have sex with me due to the fact the last time we did it, I spotted/bled a little bit. I assured him that it was just my cervix being extra sensitive and it wasn’t hurting anything. I also want this to maybe help speed things along in the labor department but no such luck.

I know I sound like a whiney child in this post. I know I should be enjoying these last few days with only one child to take care of. I am but I’m also so ready for the next part to begin. This is such a small blimp of time that I’ll remember when looking back and I know some days I’ll miss being pregnant and miss having only Penelope but as of recently all I can think about is giving birth and being a mommy of two.

Please say a prayer for me!

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This feels like deja vu…

Here we are, 22 days remaining before baby boy makes his debut (whether naturally or induced). To say I am excited is a huge understatement. I was having a lot of anxiety and nerves concerning his arrival but I think my mind and body have synced and come to the conclusion, it’ll all be okay. I’ve done this before and it really wasn’t that bad. I know that is no indication of how this delivery will be but I can only hope it will be better?

Aside from the excitement surrounding baby boy’s arrival, I have found myself becoming very short tempered with Penelope. She is also changing and evolving into a very opinionated and headstrong toddler. In the past week, she has turned over a leaf and is now testing all of her boundaries by throwing tantrums and being very stubborn. To say I’ve lost it with her has become almost a daily occurance and I’m not very happy with myself. I wish I didn’t have to get frustrated with her. Or short with her.

She just knows how to push my buttons and I just don’t have the extra energy to sit there and figure out why she is having a meltdown. I need to do better. I know this. I have so much guilt by the end of the day it just makes me upset. It also worries me to wonder how she will be once her brother gets here and how I will balance both of them at the same time. I don’t want to continue being angry or upset with her.

I also don’t want my emotions from her to carry over to baby boy when he’s here. I know this is just a season and it will somehow smooth itself out when I get a handle of how to juggle them but it still worries me and makes me a little scared.

 

Early morning thoughts

Well here I am awake at 5AM. I find that some mornings as of lately, I’ve been waking up around 5AM and just saying, ‘forget it, just get up.’ Sure, other mornings I sleep till Penelope wakes up which can range from 5-7:30AM. There’s just something about being awake in a very quiet and still morning, before anyone else is awake and fumbling through.

So, I am looking at 5 more weeks before due date and I am beyond ready for little man to get here. I’m battling a sinus/cold infection given to me by Penelope and it sucks. My moods are always swinging and I just feel exhausted all the time. I hate to complain but this last month sucks and as much as I’m trying to just cherish these last few weeks with just having my daughter be the only child, I just end up feeling fed up easily and frustrated.

I wish I could just relax and be in the moment but it’s so challenging to just be in the moment. My mind is racing and my body wants to nest. I can always find something to be done around the house rather than sit and be with Penelope. I also am trying to fit in any social outing I can before little man comes just to insure some kind of balance. I’m sure that isn’t helping matters.

I’m going in every week to my OB which is fine but annoying at the same time. It’s just more money and more anxiety. I’m scared of the labor and delivery part. Not because I think it’s gonna go awful, but because it’s not exactly everyone’s favorite part to get to the worth it part of holding your new baby. I’m also worried about the weight gain and how my body will be afterwards (I know so silly). I’m curious to see how little man will be sleeping wise and how my milk production will be this round too.

Then there’s the whole adjustment for everyone else. Penelope will have her own way of adjusting which I understand but a part of me worries she will feel pushed aside. I’m going to try my hardest to keep her close and offer her opportunities to help and be around as much as possible.

That brings up the whole co-sleeping aspect. Right now I’m still sleeping with Penelope in her room but I know I can’t really do that once little man comes. He’s gonna need to be close by to breastfeed and as much as Robert says he wants to do nights, I have a feeling it won’t be long before he gives that up because he doesn’t do well with little sleep. I on the other hand have known nothing else for the past year and a half. What’s another year and a half?!

These thoughts are constantly swirling around my mind. I know I have little to no control over the outcome and to just roll with the punches. I have 8-10 weeks off work which will fly by faster than the first time because I’ll be that much busier than before but it’s time away to figure things out and get into a routine. I’m hopeful little man will be easier in some ways than Penelope was, not that she was an awful baby because I know she could have been worse.

I just hope in the coming months I don’t lose my mind completely and I find my balance and zen whilst becoming a mommy of two under two.

Closing in

Since my last entry which was the end of MARCH, a lot has happened since then that I would like to jot down and share.

First things first, I am now 32 weeks pregnant with baby BOY. He will be here in 8 weeks or less. I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. The only difference this time is I have to take medication to help control my fasting number. The diet is still just as limiting but I am pushing through the best I can with a few grumbles here and there.

Penelope is doing well. She still isn’t talkative like we thought she would be at this stage but I think she’ll get there. She is super active and very expressive. Watching her grow is such a delight. I can’t wait to see how she will be as a big sister.

Robert and I are seriously considering how we can buy a house in the next year. A lot has to come together in order for us to get the ball rolling but I’m hoping with some help, we will be moving into a place of our own that we can call ours.

I will say, I am anxious to get baby boy here so I can finally get into shape without worrying about having more kids. This is it. No more. Two is good for me. I want to feel good in my skin and feel healthy with some indulgences. Being on this diet control, it has really made me realize just how much I do want to be strong and healthy for myself and my family. I also am anxious to have a whole pizza to myself.

On the flip side, I am getting nervous for labor and delivery again. It wasn’t awful with Penelope. I just hope he comes out similar size as her and no major tearing. I’m also nervous about leaving her at home with my dad and Robert as I stay in the hospital. I know it won’t be for long (fingers crossed no c-section).

So many emotions and thoughts as the time ticks down. I’m ready for more sleepless nights and spit ups. I just want our family complete and for us to start this new chapter together.

 

Almost April!

Another week gone and another about to begin! Plus, it’s almost April which means warmer weather, closer to summer, my birthday month and a new month to make new memories.

I’m finishing up another class this weekend and also starting my next one at the same time. I’m anxious for a small break we’ll be having the end of April. The other hopeful ordeal possibly in the works is a small vacation this summer. Robert seems against it but I really would like to get away for a few days before baby #2 comes in September aka end of summer.

Speaking of baby #2, yesterday we had our 4 weeks appointment. I got to take the one hour glucose test which was gross. I’m pretty positive I failed it and will need to go on the diet and sticking myself 4x a day. No fun but it’s for the best for me and baby H. His or her heartbeat was around 150 bpm which is slower than it has been and slower than Penelope’s at the same gestation. Who knows.

I’m excited for my upcoming birthday but I’m also kinda not. It just means I’m that much older but at least by 32, I’ll have 2 kids. Not too old but again not young either. I should be happy and grateful, not bitter.

Penelope is growing and being very sassy. She is spoiled and very demanding at times. I’m trying to stay patient with her when she gets very demanding and unresponsive to me. It’s a work in progress. I may look into therapy to sort of balance my anxiety and stress by talking to a third party who doesn’t know my life like my family and friends do.

Overall, just living life as best I can and trying to be appreciative.

Four Day Weekend…..

So the past three days have been stressful/eventful to say the least. Robert’s first daughter and daughter’s mother came into town to see him/Penelope and I. There’s a bunch of back story to this but I’m not going to go into it. Anyways, it’s been a long time since they have seen each other and it was basically starting from square one. Better late than never.

Anyways, the meeting itself was fine. I didn’t really get to talk to either of them because Penelope was her usual cranky self so we only spent about two hours together. They seemed nice and we got along. Well Penelope wasn’t too thrilled with having her dad be gone for two whole days and I think she felt disconnected from him because as long as he would get home she wanted nothing to do with him. She only wanted me which would be fine but after spending all day and all night with no breaks, this mama was feeling the exhaustion.

There are mixed feelings on Robert’s part on how everything went. I think it’s just difficult when so much time has passed and just recently he is back in the picture. It’s all an adjustment. I don’t feel it as much as the three of them do because I’m only the step parent but I’m sure this will all just take some time to evolve.

So, last night I reached my breaking point and for whatever reason, I just lost it. Robert got to hear it and we went to bed upset at each other. Pregnancy mixed with a crazy and wild 1 year old do not always go well together. I’m trying to enjoy this time as a threesome before we become a foursome and it will be even crazier but I just feel depleted.

Between work, online classes and my daily chores/errands I feel so robotic at times. Just going through the motions of waking up every morning at 7AM, fixing Penelope breakfast, getting her changed for the day, doing a load of laundry, cleaning the dishes left in the sink, sweeping the floors, paying bills, finding somewhere/something for Penelope to go/see to increase her social skills. Coming home in time for her nap at 11-12pm and then rushing to take a shower and prepare for work at 3pm. It just seems so mundane. I know once it gets warmer things will be different and maybe by then I’ll feel better but it’s just been wearing on me so much and I’m worried I may begin to feel depressed or something.

I was talking to a friend and she was telling me there was this check list of signs and symptoms for children with high anxiety and I fit a lot of them. I often wonder if I am a high functioning anxiety person and to be honest I think I do suffer from some degree of it. It’s no fun on days that it rears its ugly head and I have to fight every inner demon to keep going. It gets especially difficult when I already feel exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. But I can not show up. I’m a mother now and Penelope needs me. This second child needs me.

Second Trimester Thoughts

We are officially in the second trimester! I feel so good to know we made it safely (as far as we know). Baby H is growing away and hopefully soon I’ll be able to feel him or her move!

So now that I’m 3 months in and considered in the safe zone of this pregnancy. I’ve really found myself distancing myself from social media in general. Maybe it’s the people I follow/have as friends that just sort of make me roll my eyes a lot. I get everyone is entitled to have opinions and can use their page to express anything they want. I also have the right to unfollow or delete them as my friend if I don’t find them to my liking. But it seems there is always so much drama.

It’s no longer enjoyable for me to scroll through my newsfeed. If anything, it stresses me out and I just end up closing the app. Facebook has become a ground for people to talk a big game or express how miserable they are and I’m just like, why? Are they just lonely? Are they unhappy in their lives they need their entire friends list to know and throw a pity party for them.

Or maybe it’s just become too much for me because at work there is always some kind of drama that when I finally take a moment to myself I just get more drama. Who knows. I just know it’s becoming very draining and I may just keep off it till this passes.

I just want to focus on my family. Penelope is growing so fast and I’m busy work school and work stuff, by the time I get a moment to myself I’m exhausted and ready for bed. This mama is prioritizing differently or maybe I’m just growing up and seeing what’s really important to me and what is unnecessary.