So. Much. Has. Changed.

Well, it has been six months since my last update here. So much has changed!

First off, Covid-19 has taken over. We have been sheltered in place for a little over a month now. The state is slowly reopening this weekend but I don’t plan on going out and taking part in all the craziness. People are not following social distancing or wearing masks which need to still be in place to keep the spread down.

Anyways, Dash is crawling now. He is trying so hard to be mobile to keep up with Penelope. He doesn’t like purees at all. He prefers table food and me feeding him rather than himself.

Penelope is adjusting to having him around her all the time. She tries to share and be nice but some times she struggles with it. She’s also talking a lot. Putting together sentences and expanding her vocabulary every day. She is a sponge and repeating everything she hears (including curse words).

We closed on a house at the end of March and have been making it ours since. It is a never-ending project but I’m so happy we are finally homeowners! We will have this place for both kids to grow up in and make all their memories. It is small but just enough space for the four of us.

I am finished with school and awaiting my diploma via the mail. I’m trying to find a job in the related field but it is a struggle right now with the jobs out there and the need. My boss got promoted to a corporate job and no longer is at this building. We hired a new lady to take her place who seems nice. I am contemplating my position here now. It seems almost redundant to have me working anymore because of my hours and limited availability. Plus Janice can do everything I can. Who knows. It’s better than no job but I feel like I’m slowly getting phased out…

Onto the overall mindset. I am trying to get back to the basics of me. I’ve gained some weight and really let myself go in so many ways. I don’t feel my best and every day I wake up annoyed and unmotivated. I need to get back to taking care of myself and my mentality. No one is going to do it for me and the only way I can better serve my family is with a grateful and loving heart rather than a mean mommy mindset.

 

 

So much ahead!

Holy smokes it is the week of Thanksgiving and the start back to school! What a crazy week ahead. I am beyond anxious and overwhelmed to say the least.

Things at home have been alright. I am trying to find more opportunities to have play time with Penelope. Dash hates being in the car unless he falls asleep which usually happens after I have to cram myself in the middle of two huge carseats to hold in his pacifier. The things we do for our kids.

Robert and I are getting along. I hope by me going back to school he will try and be helpful and supportive. I also am counting on working on assignments when we all go to bed. The big question will be how Dash will be as I go through each assignment each night in hopes he doesn’t wake up needing me. I am bound and determined to graduate and be done with school once and for all. I do not intend to go back unless absolutely necessary. I hope this will build my career into more money and a better job.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my current job is flexible and super easy. It has allowed me to be a student and a new mom with very little stress with scheduling. I know that I wouldn’t find another place of work that would ever do what this job has done for me and is still doing as I go through this phase of my life.

I truly hope I can finally make a career out of this. I hope I can find a place to work where I enjoy what I do and who I work with/for. Healthcare is such a huge market and I really wanted to be right there with the patients and doctors but instead I’ll be more of the administrative side of it all. Either way, I’m still in the market and still helping just in a more insurance type of way.

The only draw back I’m not looking forward to is putting my babies in daycare. I know this is such a common practice nowadays but I love being with them. They may drive me absolutely crazy but I love being home and taking care of them as their mom. I don’t love the idea of them being apart from me all day but they will be older and maybe I could find a job that would allow me to work from home. Either way, things will change and I’ll be spending less time with them the way I do now. That makes me sad.

Anyways, I will say I’m excited for another year of the holidays. Again, this year will be Dash’s first time which is kinda cool considering last year was Penelope’s. It will be a fun and memorable year!

When things get messy

I am feeling all mixed emotions and am trying to sort through the mess.

First, I have to figure out the whole school ordeal. I can’t find a clinical site to finish my last part of school. I have contacted the dean which informed me that in order to stay active I must find a clinical site by this semester coming up on the 25th. The only other option I have is to change my major to medical billing and coding. All my credits transfer and I’d have 4 classes to complete to have my degree. It would not require a clinical site. This is an easy decision to consider and change to. I don’t have the extra time to fish around trying to find a clinical site with work and my two kids.

Second, Robert has been uber unhappy lately and very wishy washy. He took the final straw last night and said I had to keep both kids in bed with me so he could have a break. What bothers me is he waits till he bursts to tell me he wants and needs a break from the kids. He doesn’t just take the time for himself. I have to force him to when I notice he’s getting very impatient and easily flustered. He needs to set those boundaries for himself like I do. It also doesn’t help that he works from home so he’s always there. He doesn’t get that separation like I do when I leave to go to work.

It’s beyond frustrating to deal with because I don’t really know how he can feel burned out when he only spends alone time with them when I’m at work which is 4 hours during the week and 5.5 hours every other weekend. I have them all the other time. Plus, I have the more demanding one at night. I get that everyone has their own limits but I expected more from him especially since I’m the one whose always sacrificing. He just gets in his moods and then I have to adjust. I rarely get time to myself as it is with no one to answer to.

I will say, last night laying in bed with both of my babies on either side of me made me feel so complete. It was heartwarming to feel needed by both and just how lucky I am to be a mommy to Penelope and Dash. I was so sure I may never be a mother with everything I’ve gone through. It put everything in perspective. I may feel completely drained and overwhelmed with them but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad to feel exhausted and unappreciated at times by being a mom. I know this is just a season and soon I’ll miss them being so small and so dependent on me. They look at me and see their entire world. I am who they come to for fun and for comfort and I hope as they get older those feelings continue to grow.

So what started as me needing to rant and vent about how things are going. I am ending on a happy and grateful note. I love being a mommy and I will keep trying my best.

So many emotions

Hello, 6 weeks postpartum!

I officially got cleared from my OB to resume regular activity. I still need to do the 2 hour glucose test which is scheduled for next week. I’m super not thrilled to do it mostly due to possibility that Dash will have a meltdown in the waiting room as I sit and wait. I’m bringing my sister along to keep me company and if he does have a meltdown she can maybe help me settle him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have any freakouts and sleeps through most, if not all of the appointment. (He did well at my postpartum appointment but that was only like 45 minutes total).

Aside from that, motherhood of two has been evolving. I have good days and I have rough days. It’s mostly challenging when Dash doesn’t like to nap for very long and requires a lot of hands on consoling that gets me edgy with Penelope. She of course is wanting my undivided attention which most of the time I can’t give her at that moment. The mom guilt sinks in when I lose my temper with her because she is doing everything to get my attention in all the wrong ways. So I, of course, lose my fuse and yell “stop it” or “don’t do it” repeatedly.

I know there is a balancing act and I know I will never have consecutive great days, I’m human and so are my two little ones. They are both in need of my guidance and care to navigate through the day on emotions, activities and feeling loved. These are not easy feats to overcome and most days I’ve felt that I have no control or come close to being the best example but I’m trying.

The second child syndrome is so real for me. All the little mishaps we did with Penelope I’m trying to avoid with Dash. The biggest one is being able to sleep alone. Right now, he’s in a sleeper in the bed with me and most nights he just ends up being cuddled up in my arms because I don’t have the extra energy to get him back to sleep and the fastest way he goes back to sleep is curled up with me. It is such a worry of mine that I will have two kids who don’t like sleeping without mom or dad.

The other big one is my patience. I’m trying to work on it at every trying moment but seem to have wavering days. I want to be better at calmly voicing my concerns/commands rather than yelling and being coarse. Becoming a mother really has brought out a side of me that I don’t like. I always thought I’d be that calm, patient and wise mom with my kids but I’ve definitely been tested and tried into a mean mom. I have so much anxiety and some moments I just don’t even have the energy to correct the bad behavior or deed. It is very taxing to find the balance of playfulness and sternness with me.

I want to keep trying and I can only hope as the days, weeks, months and years go by I will be better than I was on day 1.

Let the craziness continue!

Hello practically 3 weeks since I became a mom of two!

It has been nothing but constant cleaning, playing, napping, changing diapers and more cleaning. I wouldn’t say it’s been easy but it hasn’t been extra challenging either. Juggling a demanding and impatient toddler whilst pumping and snuggling a newborn has been a little less crazy as I imagined.

The anxiety and anger has calmed down in the last week which brings me peace in itself. I know they say its normal within the first two weeks after birth but after that time period it should be monitored and noted. I still have moments where I get anxiety or upset over stupid stuff but I do try to take a deep breath and take a moment before I react. It is a learning process and I am still learning to curve myself.

Aside from those things, I am finding joy in my two little miracles. Penelope is always being so helpful and is soaking everything up like a sponge. Dash is growing and eating a lot more as each day goes on. They are both so different right now but so amazing in their own ways. I am loving being here with them to see the changes and making the memories while they are still small.

Robert has one more week before he goes back to work. It has gone by fairly quickly but at the same time kind of slow too. I know there will be another sift of changes for me in my role as the primary care taker for both but I think it’ll be a smooth transition since he isn’t actually going out of the house. I know my days are numbered too in terms of going back to work as well as school. I am cherishing each day.

Postpartum

Well, I can finally write and say the baby boy made his debut! He arrived on Sept 8th at 12:31pm with somewhat easy labor and delivery. No complications and no need for extra intervention.

It has been a little over a week since his arrival and it has been a whirlwind. The first couple of days were a struggle for me, he had to be re-admitted to the hospital due to low body temperature. Luckily they couldn’t find any infection it was most likely due to his low body fat since he’s so tiny.

Emotionally I am still recovering from that ordeal and dealing with the usual postpartum roller coaster of hormone fluctuations. I can’t seem to find my balance and it really has been cumbersome to figure out. Robert is also on leave for the next two and a half weeks (total of 4) but I feel like it almost makes it harder on me.

Dash is a good sleeper and is for the most part a dream newborn to care for. He only fusses when he’s hungry or needs changing. He sleeps 3 hour spans when swaddled and fed. I pray he continues to stay this way and only increases his good sleep habit. Penelope is the one I’m trying to find a good routine with.

Before her brother’s arrival I was so worried about how she would transition as no longer an only child that I completely disregarded how I would figure out the whole new role as a mother of two. This hasn’t been easy for whatever reason and it almost annoys me that I can’t seem to swing it. Why am I feeling so challenged?

It also doesn’t help that I feel even more isolated in my marriage. Robert and I don’t have time to be alone and the time we do spent together it’s usually just shared space. Most of the time I don’t mind it but since adding a second child into the mix it has really worn me down. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I don’t feel connected to him. I just feel rejected and alone.

We haven’t slept in the same room/bed in over a year (a few months before Penelope was born). We have only gone out three times just us since bringing home our two kids. It really is wearing on me and makes me wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be or if it’s just how we want it to be. He doesn’t seem bothered by the lack of alone time or affection given. He doesn’t seem concerned about us except for the fact that he feels I’m always trying to argue with him. Which maybe subconsciously I am because that’s the only time I feel like we’re truly interacting. It’s the wrong interaction but it’s better than going through like two ships passing in the night.

I don’t know if this is all normal or if this is just a phase. I’m feeling more and more depressed as the days drag on. This leave feels almost like a punishment because of how much tension is around us daily. I don’t know how to get out of this funk because all these emotions are completely not what I had expected. I was expecting to come home happy and excited to start the bonding. Instead I feel like we’re two parents parenting our two kids separately.

 

Any day now…..

Oy, where do I begin? It has been a whirlwind couple of days.

So I am now just a ticking time bomb as to when I will go into labor. I’m 3cm dilated and 80% thinned. I was hoping he would come over the weekend but he didn’t. My OB said I could be induced on Monday the 9th at the earliest. He would also be the doctor on call that day to deliver which would be great because he also delivered Penelope.

That’s another 5 days away and I’m just hoping and praying little man comes like now. I’m tired of people at work saying, “You still haven’t had the baby yet?” or “I didn’t think I’d see you here.” It’s so annoying and quite frankly I am the one whose more frustrated that I’m still coming into work with no baby.

I am miserable and beyond impatient for this part of the journey to be over. I want to be back home with him and tackle the hard stuff of breastfeeding, no sleep and juggling a toddler. I don’t want to be still waddling around, feeling contractions that never progress, a water still intact, testing my sugars after every meal, monitoring myself anymore.

Plus, Robert refuses to have sex with me due to the fact the last time we did it, I spotted/bled a little bit. I assured him that it was just my cervix being extra sensitive and it wasn’t hurting anything. I also want this to maybe help speed things along in the labor department but no such luck.

I know I sound like a whiney child in this post. I know I should be enjoying these last few days with only one child to take care of. I am but I’m also so ready for the next part to begin. This is such a small blimp of time that I’ll remember when looking back and I know some days I’ll miss being pregnant and miss having only Penelope but as of recently all I can think about is giving birth and being a mommy of two.

Please say a prayer for me!

This feels like deja vu…

Here we are, 22 days remaining before baby boy makes his debut (whether naturally or induced). To say I am excited is a huge understatement. I was having a lot of anxiety and nerves concerning his arrival but I think my mind and body have synced and come to the conclusion, it’ll all be okay. I’ve done this before and it really wasn’t that bad. I know that is no indication of how this delivery will be but I can only hope it will be better?

Aside from the excitement surrounding baby boy’s arrival, I have found myself becoming very short tempered with Penelope. She is also changing and evolving into a very opinionated and headstrong toddler. In the past week, she has turned over a leaf and is now testing all of her boundaries by throwing tantrums and being very stubborn. To say I’ve lost it with her has become almost a daily occurance and I’m not very happy with myself. I wish I didn’t have to get frustrated with her. Or short with her.

She just knows how to push my buttons and I just don’t have the extra energy to sit there and figure out why she is having a meltdown. I need to do better. I know this. I have so much guilt by the end of the day it just makes me upset. It also worries me to wonder how she will be once her brother gets here and how I will balance both of them at the same time. I don’t want to continue being angry or upset with her.

I also don’t want my emotions from her to carry over to baby boy when he’s here. I know this is just a season and it will somehow smooth itself out when I get a handle of how to juggle them but it still worries me and makes me a little scared.

 

Early morning thoughts

Well here I am awake at 5AM. I find that some mornings as of lately, I’ve been waking up around 5AM and just saying, ‘forget it, just get up.’ Sure, other mornings I sleep till Penelope wakes up which can range from 5-7:30AM. There’s just something about being awake in a very quiet and still morning, before anyone else is awake and fumbling through.

So, I am looking at 5 more weeks before due date and I am beyond ready for little man to get here. I’m battling a sinus/cold infection given to me by Penelope and it sucks. My moods are always swinging and I just feel exhausted all the time. I hate to complain but this last month sucks and as much as I’m trying to just cherish these last few weeks with just having my daughter be the only child, I just end up feeling fed up easily and frustrated.

I wish I could just relax and be in the moment but it’s so challenging to just be in the moment. My mind is racing and my body wants to nest. I can always find something to be done around the house rather than sit and be with Penelope. I also am trying to fit in any social outing I can before little man comes just to insure some kind of balance. I’m sure that isn’t helping matters.

I’m going in every week to my OB which is fine but annoying at the same time. It’s just more money and more anxiety. I’m scared of the labor and delivery part. Not because I think it’s gonna go awful, but because it’s not exactly everyone’s favorite part to get to the worth it part of holding your new baby. I’m also worried about the weight gain and how my body will be afterwards (I know so silly). I’m curious to see how little man will be sleeping wise and how my milk production will be this round too.

Then there’s the whole adjustment for everyone else. Penelope will have her own way of adjusting which I understand but a part of me worries she will feel pushed aside. I’m going to try my hardest to keep her close and offer her opportunities to help and be around as much as possible.

That brings up the whole co-sleeping aspect. Right now I’m still sleeping with Penelope in her room but I know I can’t really do that once little man comes. He’s gonna need to be close by to breastfeed and as much as Robert says he wants to do nights, I have a feeling it won’t be long before he gives that up because he doesn’t do well with little sleep. I on the other hand have known nothing else for the past year and a half. What’s another year and a half?!

These thoughts are constantly swirling around my mind. I know I have little to no control over the outcome and to just roll with the punches. I have 8-10 weeks off work which will fly by faster than the first time because I’ll be that much busier than before but it’s time away to figure things out and get into a routine. I’m hopeful little man will be easier in some ways than Penelope was, not that she was an awful baby because I know she could have been worse.

I just hope in the coming months I don’t lose my mind completely and I find my balance and zen whilst becoming a mommy of two under two.

Closing in

Since my last entry which was the end of MARCH, a lot has happened since then that I would like to jot down and share.

First things first, I am now 32 weeks pregnant with baby BOY. He will be here in 8 weeks or less. I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. The only difference this time is I have to take medication to help control my fasting number. The diet is still just as limiting but I am pushing through the best I can with a few grumbles here and there.

Penelope is doing well. She still isn’t talkative like we thought she would be at this stage but I think she’ll get there. She is super active and very expressive. Watching her grow is such a delight. I can’t wait to see how she will be as a big sister.

Robert and I are seriously considering how we can buy a house in the next year. A lot has to come together in order for us to get the ball rolling but I’m hoping with some help, we will be moving into a place of our own that we can call ours.

I will say, I am anxious to get baby boy here so I can finally get into shape without worrying about having more kids. This is it. No more. Two is good for me. I want to feel good in my skin and feel healthy with some indulgences. Being on this diet control, it has really made me realize just how much I do want to be strong and healthy for myself and my family. I also am anxious to have a whole pizza to myself.

On the flip side, I am getting nervous for labor and delivery again. It wasn’t awful with Penelope. I just hope he comes out similar size as her and no major tearing. I’m also nervous about leaving her at home with my dad and Robert as I stay in the hospital. I know it won’t be for long (fingers crossed no c-section).

So many emotions and thoughts as the time ticks down. I’m ready for more sleepless nights and spit ups. I just want our family complete and for us to start this new chapter together.