Last day of October aka Halloween!

I can’t believe it’s already almost November! It is so crazy how time is flying by but also creeping so slowly at the same time. I am ready for 2020 to be over for many reasons.

As for work, my current boss put in her resignation as of Friday (yesterday) and my old boss is coming back December 2nd! I am so happy to have her back in this role for so many reasons. It has been a roller coaster since the other lady took the position and most of them being bad experiences making me want to just quit.

I can’t wait to get off work and get home to see the kids. I want my kids to get all dressed up for Halloween and spend the afternoon together. Being at work for what will be 7 days straight is exhausting.

Potty training is going okay. I never realized it was such a long process but will be happy once she has it down. Dash is sleeping a little bit better at night and we got him off formula completely. He’s just drinking water from the bottles. Same as what Penelope does so hopefully we can wean them both off bottles soon.

I’m excited for Christmas this year since both kids are older and more interested. I’m hoping to continue the tradition of baking cookies with Penelope and decorating the tree with their new annual ornaments. I did finally break down and buy a new tree for us.

If anything has been learned this year, its just how much I cherish my little family.

It is so crazy that it is almost October already! I know in the last entry I mentioned working on a few things for myself and for being a mom. It has been a whirlwind month to say the least.

Let’s start with work. I have started to feel very pressed to want to do my best. My “new” boss has been a little incompetent concerning how she responds and handles herself in the workplace. I know no one is perfect and we all have bad days, weeks, months and whatnot but you need to just figure it out and stop making excuses/blaming others.

We no longer have a permanent executive director and marketing person which doesn’t help matters. We have an interim ED who comes in from Tues-Thurs to oversee things but she isn’t trying to come in and make huge changes like a permanent ED would. She also favors my new boss and whatever she says conerning others, their duties and so on. So it has painted a very two sided tension.

I just come in and do my job whatever that means anymore. She gives me “tasks” that really are just busy work that she doesn’t feel like doing which I guess is partly why I’m her “assistant” so I’m there to assist her in her daily tasks but I think for the most part she either puts it all on me or hardly at all and just gives me 2 second tasks that really don’t “need” to be done but “could” be done to have extras.

Overall, I really have started to dislike working there for the first time in the almost 5 years I’ve been there. I don’t trust anyone and feel very on edge while working because who knows what could come up. Every day is something else. I already spoke with the regional HR person about my concerns and overall intention of quitting. I don’t know what the future holds for my job or employment.

All I know is I’m giving them a few more weeks before I give notice, because unfortunately, this is not an overnight change ordeal. It may not even end up with my boss being fired or quitting. I just know having the experience with her these past few months I know I don’t want to work under her for the next year or beyond.

Now, concerning the rest of my life, things are as they have been. Some days I’m feeling like a great mother and other days I feel like I just yell and threaten all day. I know this is a hard time in juggling the two ages/stages they are in but I also try and cherish these moments that they are this small. It can be extremely difficult to see the big picture.

In terms of my anxiety, it comes and goes. I still don’t get 30 minutes of just me time a day but at this point, I am just coping. It may be shortening my life for all I know. I still want to lose weight which isn’t in the works. I have tried to lengthen my hair coloring sessions out to keep expenses down. I also have tried to cook more so we’re not eating out nearly as much.

I know things could be worse. There are thousands out of work still during this pandemic. Families are barely getting by. I should be glad to still have a job even though it drives me crazy and a healthy family. There are bigger issues playing out and my problems are small compared. I need to just be thankful like the fall theme is and go with it.

I plan to just show up for work, keep to myself and go home. I don’t plan on telling anyone my plan to quit except for Janice who I already said I would. I hope she doesn’t tell anyone else at work. I guess I will find out when I come in.

Life as I know it…

I am so ready for a new season to come. Summer has been such a bummer and I’m over the heat/humidity.

Fall and spring are my favorite times of the year minus Christmas time. I just need a change to come. There are so many changes I wish I could make happen and are trying to figure out how to make them. For instance, losing the remainder of my pregnancy weight. Eating healthier. Shopping more local rather than at the big chain stores for groceries. I want to try and save more money and stretch the dollar. It’s hard with two growing kids and my love of shopping.

I want to evolve to be better. To not constantly be easily triggered by my kids’ tantrums and to find better, more productive ways to live to set a good example for my babies. I want them to grow up to be kind and conscious of what they are doing and how it affects everyone/everything else.

I went to my annual OBGYN visit and just addressing my issues really helped me be accepting of it. I was able to admit my stressors and triggers that were met with support and understanding. I am in a demanding time right now with my two kids. They depend on me a lot and this season can easily overwhelm and exhaust a person. I need to take time for myself every day to ensure I don’t get burned out. It’s hard to do some days but I definitely can see/feel the difference of when I do and when I don’t.

Tomorrow will mark the 7th day of working in a row and today I am feeling the tension. I just want to have a day off to relax and not be here. As much as it’s enjoyable to be away from home and the responsibilities, it’s also very exhausting to be stuck at the desk with nothing to do work-related and having no ties to anything I need to do at home.

Deep breaths. I just have to get through the weekend. I only have five hours. I am ready to leave and be home. I am going to bake and fill my home with warmth and love. I don’t know if I will cook dinner or just order something out. I know I need to watch my money but I also don’t want to give myself more work to stress over.

What a life we’re living during all this!

This is such a crazy time to be alive. The usual summer plans have been canceled and our usual outings have been limited to almost none. Wearing a mask is mandatory and getting temp checks while coming to work are also the norm.

Living through a pandemic is something no one can really prepare you for. The only thing I keep telling myself humbled is the fact that I’ve kept my job and am able to spend most of the day with my babies. There are also days where it is hard for me to find the blessings in working during this pandemic because of the changes.

A part of me wishes I could just stay home and not face the possible exposure to this virus and also not have to deal with all these work changes but then I think, this income is helping me take care of my family. As small as it is, it makes a difference and having the 4 hour breaks in the afternoon allow me to refocus my mind on other things than being a mom/wife. I need that break to feel like myself still.

The recent developments have made me wonder if I might need some help with my anxiety and mom rage. The irritability levels are way out of balance and I think it may be postpartum. I’m hoping I can get some answers/help in maybe getting on meds or to see someone. Just something to make me feel more myself and be less of a monster with my kids.

So much is going on around us in this world and so much is going on in our homes. Penelope had her check up yesterday and she had to wear a mask. She was hesitant at first to wear it but was great once we got to the doctors and during her entire visit. She was just a little unsure about talking with it on. I felt a little sad that she has to take these precautions along with us adults to be safe but I know its for the best.

Dash will be a year old and instead of being able to have a huge party for him, he will just have us and my family over. Then again, Penelope’s first birthday was just my family and Robert. Hopefully by her third birthday she can have some of her friends over to celebrate.

I am just trying to stay in the moment and just try to control my emotions and impulses to go overboard. I need to find productive ways to stay active and keeping my mind on the positive. This life could always be worse and I should just be happy.

So. Much. Has. Changed.

Well, it has been six months since my last update here. So much has changed!

First off, Covid-19 has taken over. We have been sheltered in place for a little over a month now. The state is slowly reopening this weekend but I don’t plan on going out and taking part in all the craziness. People are not following social distancing or wearing masks which need to still be in place to keep the spread down.

Anyways, Dash is crawling now. He is trying so hard to be mobile to keep up with Penelope. He doesn’t like purees at all. He prefers table food and me feeding him rather than himself.

Penelope is adjusting to having him around her all the time. She tries to share and be nice but some times she struggles with it. She’s also talking a lot. Putting together sentences and expanding her vocabulary every day. She is a sponge and repeating everything she hears (including curse words).

We closed on a house at the end of March and have been making it ours since. It is a never-ending project but I’m so happy we are finally homeowners! We will have this place for both kids to grow up in and make all their memories. It is small but just enough space for the four of us.

I am finished with school and awaiting my diploma via the mail. I’m trying to find a job in the related field but it is a struggle right now with the jobs out there and the need. My boss got promoted to a corporate job and no longer is at this building. We hired a new lady to take her place who seems nice. I am contemplating my position here now. It seems almost redundant to have me working anymore because of my hours and limited availability. Plus Janice can do everything I can. Who knows. It’s better than no job but I feel like I’m slowly getting phased out…

Onto the overall mindset. I am trying to get back to the basics of me. I’ve gained some weight and really let myself go in so many ways. I don’t feel my best and every day I wake up annoyed and unmotivated. I need to get back to taking care of myself and my mentality. No one is going to do it for me and the only way I can better serve my family is with a grateful and loving heart rather than a mean mommy mindset.

 

 

So much ahead!

Holy smokes it is the week of Thanksgiving and the start back to school! What a crazy week ahead. I am beyond anxious and overwhelmed to say the least.

Things at home have been alright. I am trying to find more opportunities to have play time with Penelope. Dash hates being in the car unless he falls asleep which usually happens after I have to cram myself in the middle of two huge carseats to hold in his pacifier. The things we do for our kids.

Robert and I are getting along. I hope by me going back to school he will try and be helpful and supportive. I also am counting on working on assignments when we all go to bed. The big question will be how Dash will be as I go through each assignment each night in hopes he doesn’t wake up needing me. I am bound and determined to graduate and be done with school once and for all. I do not intend to go back unless absolutely necessary. I hope this will build my career into more money and a better job.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my current job is flexible and super easy. It has allowed me to be a student and a new mom with very little stress with scheduling. I know that I wouldn’t find another place of work that would ever do what this job has done for me and is still doing as I go through this phase of my life.

I truly hope I can finally make a career out of this. I hope I can find a place to work where I enjoy what I do and who I work with/for. Healthcare is such a huge market and I really wanted to be right there with the patients and doctors but instead I’ll be more of the administrative side of it all. Either way, I’m still in the market and still helping just in a more insurance type of way.

The only draw back I’m not looking forward to is putting my babies in daycare. I know this is such a common practice nowadays but I love being with them. They may drive me absolutely crazy but I love being home and taking care of them as their mom. I don’t love the idea of them being apart from me all day but they will be older and maybe I could find a job that would allow me to work from home. Either way, things will change and I’ll be spending less time with them the way I do now. That makes me sad.

Anyways, I will say I’m excited for another year of the holidays. Again, this year will be Dash’s first time which is kinda cool considering last year was Penelope’s. It will be a fun and memorable year!

When things get messy

I am feeling all mixed emotions and am trying to sort through the mess.

First, I have to figure out the whole school ordeal. I can’t find a clinical site to finish my last part of school. I have contacted the dean which informed me that in order to stay active I must find a clinical site by this semester coming up on the 25th. The only other option I have is to change my major to medical billing and coding. All my credits transfer and I’d have 4 classes to complete to have my degree. It would not require a clinical site. This is an easy decision to consider and change to. I don’t have the extra time to fish around trying to find a clinical site with work and my two kids.

Second, Robert has been uber unhappy lately and very wishy washy. He took the final straw last night and said I had to keep both kids in bed with me so he could have a break. What bothers me is he waits till he bursts to tell me he wants and needs a break from the kids. He doesn’t just take the time for himself. I have to force him to when I notice he’s getting very impatient and easily flustered. He needs to set those boundaries for himself like I do. It also doesn’t help that he works from home so he’s always there. He doesn’t get that separation like I do when I leave to go to work.

It’s beyond frustrating to deal with because I don’t really know how he can feel burned out when he only spends alone time with them when I’m at work which is 4 hours during the week and 5.5 hours every other weekend. I have them all the other time. Plus, I have the more demanding one at night. I get that everyone has their own limits but I expected more from him especially since I’m the one whose always sacrificing. He just gets in his moods and then I have to adjust. I rarely get time to myself as it is with no one to answer to.

I will say, last night laying in bed with both of my babies on either side of me made me feel so complete. It was heartwarming to feel needed by both and just how lucky I am to be a mommy to Penelope and Dash. I was so sure I may never be a mother with everything I’ve gone through. It put everything in perspective. I may feel completely drained and overwhelmed with them but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad to feel exhausted and unappreciated at times by being a mom. I know this is just a season and soon I’ll miss them being so small and so dependent on me. They look at me and see their entire world. I am who they come to for fun and for comfort and I hope as they get older those feelings continue to grow.

So what started as me needing to rant and vent about how things are going. I am ending on a happy and grateful note. I love being a mommy and I will keep trying my best.

So many emotions

Hello, 6 weeks postpartum!

I officially got cleared from my OB to resume regular activity. I still need to do the 2 hour glucose test which is scheduled for next week. I’m super not thrilled to do it mostly due to possibility that Dash will have a meltdown in the waiting room as I sit and wait. I’m bringing my sister along to keep me company and if he does have a meltdown she can maybe help me settle him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have any freakouts and sleeps through most, if not all of the appointment. (He did well at my postpartum appointment but that was only like 45 minutes total).

Aside from that, motherhood of two has been evolving. I have good days and I have rough days. It’s mostly challenging when Dash doesn’t like to nap for very long and requires a lot of hands on consoling that gets me edgy with Penelope. She of course is wanting my undivided attention which most of the time I can’t give her at that moment. The mom guilt sinks in when I lose my temper with her because she is doing everything to get my attention in all the wrong ways. So I, of course, lose my fuse and yell “stop it” or “don’t do it” repeatedly.

I know there is a balancing act and I know I will never have consecutive great days, I’m human and so are my two little ones. They are both in need of my guidance and care to navigate through the day on emotions, activities and feeling loved. These are not easy feats to overcome and most days I’ve felt that I have no control or come close to being the best example but I’m trying.

The second child syndrome is so real for me. All the little mishaps we did with Penelope I’m trying to avoid with Dash. The biggest one is being able to sleep alone. Right now, he’s in a sleeper in the bed with me and most nights he just ends up being cuddled up in my arms because I don’t have the extra energy to get him back to sleep and the fastest way he goes back to sleep is curled up with me. It is such a worry of mine that I will have two kids who don’t like sleeping without mom or dad.

The other big one is my patience. I’m trying to work on it at every trying moment but seem to have wavering days. I want to be better at calmly voicing my concerns/commands rather than yelling and being coarse. Becoming a mother really has brought out a side of me that I don’t like. I always thought I’d be that calm, patient and wise mom with my kids but I’ve definitely been tested and tried into a mean mom. I have so much anxiety and some moments I just don’t even have the energy to correct the bad behavior or deed. It is very taxing to find the balance of playfulness and sternness with me.

I want to keep trying and I can only hope as the days, weeks, months and years go by I will be better than I was on day 1.

Let the craziness continue!

Hello practically 3 weeks since I became a mom of two!

It has been nothing but constant cleaning, playing, napping, changing diapers and more cleaning. I wouldn’t say it’s been easy but it hasn’t been extra challenging either. Juggling a demanding and impatient toddler whilst pumping and snuggling a newborn has been a little less crazy as I imagined.

The anxiety and anger has calmed down in the last week which brings me peace in itself. I know they say its normal within the first two weeks after birth but after that time period it should be monitored and noted. I still have moments where I get anxiety or upset over stupid stuff but I do try to take a deep breath and take a moment before I react. It is a learning process and I am still learning to curve myself.

Aside from those things, I am finding joy in my two little miracles. Penelope is always being so helpful and is soaking everything up like a sponge. Dash is growing and eating a lot more as each day goes on. They are both so different right now but so amazing in their own ways. I am loving being here with them to see the changes and making the memories while they are still small.

Robert has one more week before he goes back to work. It has gone by fairly quickly but at the same time kind of slow too. I know there will be another sift of changes for me in my role as the primary care taker for both but I think it’ll be a smooth transition since he isn’t actually going out of the house. I know my days are numbered too in terms of going back to work as well as school. I am cherishing each day.

Postpartum

Well, I can finally write and say the baby boy made his debut! He arrived on Sept 8th at 12:31pm with somewhat easy labor and delivery. No complications and no need for extra intervention.

It has been a little over a week since his arrival and it has been a whirlwind. The first couple of days were a struggle for me, he had to be re-admitted to the hospital due to low body temperature. Luckily they couldn’t find any infection it was most likely due to his low body fat since he’s so tiny.

Emotionally I am still recovering from that ordeal and dealing with the usual postpartum roller coaster of hormone fluctuations. I can’t seem to find my balance and it really has been cumbersome to figure out. Robert is also on leave for the next two and a half weeks (total of 4) but I feel like it almost makes it harder on me.

Dash is a good sleeper and is for the most part a dream newborn to care for. He only fusses when he’s hungry or needs changing. He sleeps 3 hour spans when swaddled and fed. I pray he continues to stay this way and only increases his good sleep habit. Penelope is the one I’m trying to find a good routine with.

Before her brother’s arrival I was so worried about how she would transition as no longer an only child that I completely disregarded how I would figure out the whole new role as a mother of two. This hasn’t been easy for whatever reason and it almost annoys me that I can’t seem to swing it. Why am I feeling so challenged?

It also doesn’t help that I feel even more isolated in my marriage. Robert and I don’t have time to be alone and the time we do spent together it’s usually just shared space. Most of the time I don’t mind it but since adding a second child into the mix it has really worn me down. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I don’t feel connected to him. I just feel rejected and alone.

We haven’t slept in the same room/bed in over a year (a few months before Penelope was born). We have only gone out three times just us since bringing home our two kids. It really is wearing on me and makes me wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be or if it’s just how we want it to be. He doesn’t seem bothered by the lack of alone time or affection given. He doesn’t seem concerned about us except for the fact that he feels I’m always trying to argue with him. Which maybe subconsciously I am because that’s the only time I feel like we’re truly interacting. It’s the wrong interaction but it’s better than going through like two ships passing in the night.

I don’t know if this is all normal or if this is just a phase. I’m feeling more and more depressed as the days drag on. This leave feels almost like a punishment because of how much tension is around us daily. I don’t know how to get out of this funk because all these emotions are completely not what I had expected. I was expecting to come home happy and excited to start the bonding. Instead I feel like we’re two parents parenting our two kids separately.